Welcome To Bristol, We’re Happy To Have You Here – As Long As You’re Not A C**t

I don’t just love Bristol, I’m literally in love with her – and that’s not me overusing the word “literally” in the West Country way. I’d take Bristol out on a date, treat her right nice, marry her and make her happy for the rest of her life. I am in love with Bristol.

So, when you love someone you want to show them off, (unless you’re an odd arsehole who wants to keep your precious locked up for themselves – my precious) and I want to show Bristol off. I want people to come and visit us for a nice bite to eat, a few drinks, probably resulting in some rowdy fun behaviour and copious amounts of cider!

I want EVERYONE to experience how great she is, I want people to move here and make her their home. I want them to open amazing businesses that I love, I want some gentle gentrification done sensitively, Bristol and I have no time for judgement… unless you’re a cunt. Bristol is strictly a no cunt zone and there are some very simple rules to follow if you want to live here and get on just fine.

Just be nice mother fucker

If I smile at you, how about smiling back? I don’t want to cut you. Bristol is a small place and you will realise soon enough that you’ll start recognising faces and faces will recognise you back! So if you continue to ignore my pleasant smiles, I’m going to get annoyed. Plus, it’s just not bringing that big Bristol community we’re so proud of. This point can be ignored in certain situations: Smiling at people on the number 77 bus or on Turbo Island when the day has gone a bit sideways can be excused.

Be part of the community you twat

Bristol is a big, beautiful community, so let’s keep it that way! That means getting to know people that live in your community, and not just that person you like who lives a few doors down. Bristol still has a long way to go when it comes to being fully multicultural and integrated. We’re trying, but the sad fact is that the rich and the poor can often live side by side and do fuck all to make each other better. Likewise, religious groups or people of colour are treated differently, often shitly. That ain’t cool. Rather than thinking we’re this amazingly diverse city, let’s take a step back and realise we’re just as shit as anywhere, start organising community events and generally not being a knob- cool!?

The food scene in Bristol is amazing

Just don’t lose your fucking shit over it yeah? A venue closing is sad, really sad! I don’t want anyone to pour their heart into a venture to see it not turn out as they want. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THE FOOD SCENE IN BRISTOL IS FAILING. Likewise, there needs to be something for everyone. Fancy, mid-range and Slix, they all have their place (especially Slix at four in the morning).

Bristol used to be a bit shit and we fucking liked it that way so please don’t change us too much

I love meeting people from all over the world. I love that they come to Bristol to make her their home. I don’t even mind people from London coming here (shhh I’m joking). I, in fact am not from Bristol, my family are but i’m a girl who actually grew up in the countryside (I’m still fucking West Country though, yeah).

However, Bristol is not an extension of London, don’t try and make it one. Bristol is lush, she’ll down 10 pints of cider, have a jolly in town and then piss herself outside of Slix and she’s totally cool with that! The shitness of Bristol bred an amazingly creative music scene (nothing to do with how much weed gets smoked here, honest), an awesome arts scene (as before, nothing to do with the green) and creative events and pop-ups shoved wherever possible. And we don’t want that to stop, so let’s not rest on the fact that Bristol might be a bit more awesome now. She’s still a shit old tramp and you better work hard to make sure she doesn’t vomit on you.

Pretty fucking simple right? It’s all about not being a dickhead, being nice to your fellow humans, celebrating independence but not persecuting people who don’t buy into the same ideas as you do. Or in other words, it’s the Big Bristol Love in. Come on in, we’ve got a pint of cider waiting for you.

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Granny Smith is a West Country lass who moved to Bristol to seek fame and fortune. Instead she found cider and Slix.

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